


the 5 times Raphael almost came out to Simon and the one time he did

by Space_Violets



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5 Things, 5 Times, Ace Raphael, Asexual Character, Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Saphael, but doesn't really talk about canon events, there aren't enough fics about Raphaels asexuality so here we are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 18:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15345837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_Violets/pseuds/Space_Violets
Summary: A look at Simon and Raphael's relationship starting when Raphael comes back to their first I love you as told through Raphael struggling with his asexuality.





	the 5 times Raphael almost came out to Simon and the one time he did

1.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Simon asked, as he sat next to Raphael on a couch in the Dumort common room. Raphael paused but eventually nodded his head. “Why did you leave?” Simon’s voice was soft and non-judgmental. Raphael took a breath his body didn’t need.

 

“I assumed Izzy told you.” Raphael replied. He had only been back in town for 2 weeks, after Izzy decided to give him a second chance. Simon had moved back in the day after his clan had decided to let Raphael be the head of the clan again. Simon had been more than happy to rejoin his people, especially after finding out the incident with Lilith had made him lose his status as a Daylighter.

 

“No, she didn’t. You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.”

 

“No, it’s okay.” Raphael replied. “I made some mistakes. Really, really bad mistakes that I should have faced the clave for… and she told me to leave so I… I did.” He let out a shaky breath. “I probably shouldn’t have come back but when she asked… I couldn’t stay away.” He looked up at Simon, expecting to see anger or fear but he just looked at him with kind eyes.

 

“Okay. I figured the part about the Daylighter… or well attempts at making someone a Daylighter. I just didn’t know Izzy made you leave. That wasn’t her call. I’m sorry.” Raphael looked at him with huge eyes.

 

“Simon, I deserved it. I deserved worse.”

 

“Yeah well, she used her relationship with you against her.” Raphael stiffened at Simon’s words.

 

“You know about that?”

 

“Kind of. The addiction part I know about. I had a question about the other part though…”

 

“We weren’t really together if that’s what you’re asking. She thought it was because of…” Raphael stopped himself. He didn’t know why but he couldn’t tell Simon. Couldn’t deal with the look of confusion or pity that would inevitably cross his face.

 

“Hey.” Simon said, pulling Raphael out of his thoughts. “You don’t have to explain. I’m just glad you’re back.”

 

2\.  

 

Raphael woke to a scream piercing the air. He immediately jumped out of bed and searched the room for intruders. Seeing none, he focused his ears on listening again. This time he heard whimpers and what sounded like choked sobs. He felt pain swell in his chest when he connected the dots. Simon. He rushed out of his room and knocked on the door next to his. “Simon!” he called out. The horrible noises continued. “Simon!” he yelled louder. He cursed under his breath and opened the door. He saw Simon thrashing in his bed and immediately ran to his side. “Simon” he called out again, putting his hands on his shoulders. “Simon wake up. Please.” Simon’s eyes started fluttering and eventually opened.

 

“Raph?” Simon croaked out, tears at his eyes.

 

“It’s okay Simon, you’re here, you’re safe.  I promise. It’s okay.” Simon leaned into Raphael who had climbed onto the bed without realizing it.

 

“I killed them, my family.” Simon choked out, tears streaming from his face. Raphael closed the distance and pulled Simon into a hug.

 

“No, you didn’t Simon.” He muttered into the fledgling’s hair, rocking them slightly. “They’re safe.”

 

“I could. I could have.”

 

“You didn’t though Simon. It’s okay. I’m going to make sure it’s okay.” Simon let his head fall onto Raphael’s chest. They stayed like that for a while, Simon trying to calm his thoughts and Raphael running his fingers through the younger man’s hair. “It’s okay” he continued to whisper. After he cleared his head, Simon pulled away.

 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I just… the nightmares have been worse since… my family.” He shrugged, looking down. Raphael felt the aching in his heart intensify.

 

“It’s okay Simon, I just want to protect you. I- What do you need?”

 

“Stay with me.” Simon whispered, so quietly Raphael almost missed it. He immediately nodded.

 

“Okay.” He climbed into bed, his arms immediately falling onto Simon. He tried not to think too much about how close Simon was. “Simon this—”

 

“It doesn’t have to mean anything. You’re a good friend is all.” Simon replied, his voice already heavy with sleep. Raphael squeezed his eyes shut. That wasn’t the problem, he knew that. His problem was how natural this felt, how much his heart was feeling right now. _I should tell him_ , he thought to himself. Before his feelings intensified and he had to have another relationship end because of his sexuality. He opened his mouth to speak but noticed Simon had already fallen asleep.

 

 

3.

 

“Would you like to go to Pandemonium tonight?” Raphael looked up and almost choked on the blood he was drinking, in surprise. He stared at his fledgling standing in front of him, who was avoiding his gaze by looking at the floor. “Would you like to go with me?” Simon asked again. “On a date?” Raphael set his mug on the coffee table and stood up.

 

“Simon…”

 

“If not that’s totally fine- I just wanted to go tonight and thought maybe you would like to come with me and I—”

 

“I want to.” Raphael whispered. “I just don’t know how to do this.” He gestured between the two of them. Simon shifted his gaze and finally looked into his eyes.

 

“We can figure it out.” Simon assured him.  Raphael closed his eyes and nodded his head. He wanted to tell him. Tell him that it could never work out, that he would never be enough, but he couldn’t speak. He felt an arm on his shoulder. “I’ll knock on your door in an hour okay.” Raphael opened his eyes and nodded again, giving Simon a small smile. Simon turned to walk away from the common room.

 

“I…” Raphael started but couldn’t bring himself to say the words he wanted to when Simon turned and looked at him. “I can’t wait.”

 

4.

 

Raphael paced in his room before glancing at the clock. 5 more minutes. He shouldn’t be nervous, he knew that. It was just Simon. It was just watching movies with Simon. He couldn’t help but blush as he thought back to their last date, Simon had grabbed his hand on their way back home. That simple gesture had made him smile for days. He glanced at himself in the mirror again, fixing his hair. He knew he was a few minutes early, but he left his room and took a few steps before he lost his nerve. He knocked on the door and was greeted by Simon who was smiling softly.

 

“Hi Raph.” Simon said, after staring at the older vampire for a few seconds. Raphael smiled back at him and pulled him into a hug. He bit his tongue, but the words spilled out despite his best efforts.

 

“I missed you.” He whispered into the younger man’s ear. He could feel Simon’s face pull into a bigger smile before he pulled away. Simon took the opportunity to pull Raphael into his room and onto the couch. He grabbed the remote and started rambling about the movies he had chosen.

 

***

 

Hours later, they were on their third marvel movie and Raphael had his arm around Simon. “I can’t believe you’ve seen Twilight and not Captain America.” Simon muttered. Raphael laughed and pulled Simon closer.

 

“The entire mundane population was obsessed with a vampire movie. Of course, I saw it.” He muttered between laughy breaths. His answer must have been correct because he was rewarded with Simon smiling from ear to ear, inches from his face. He met Simon’s gaze and heard the other boy let out a surprised breath.

 

“Can I kiss you?” The younger boy whispered, his hand coming to caress Raphael’s cheek. Raphael nodded immediately and closed his eyes. He swore he could feel his non-beating heart race as Simon brought their lips together. Simon’s lips felt warm and soft. Simon pulled away moments later and rested their foreheads together. “You’re amazing Raph” he muttered. Raphael forced himself not to take an anxious breath as he looked into Simon’s eyes. He knew this was the start of their physical relationship and he didn’t know what to do. He thought about telling him but couldn’t when he saw the way Simon was smiling at him.

 

 5. 

 

Raphael woke to the feeling of warmth leaving his side, He glanced up and saw Simon sitting on the edge of his bed and checking his phone. Raphael heard a whine escape his own throat. “Come back Simon.” He pleaded, still half asleep and unfiltered. Simon put his phone down and climbed on top of the older boy.

 

“I think I like you in the morning.” Simon replied. “Unfiltered.” Raphael smiled and opened his eyes. He saw that Simon was inches away from his own face. Simon quickly closed the distance and brought their lips together. Simon kissed him softly at first, a hand snaking around Raphael’s neck. After a few soft kisses, Simon deepened the kiss and brushed his tongue against Raphael’s bottom lip. He reluctantly opened, allowing Simon inside. He didn’t necessarily enjoy the feeling, but it wasn’t bad, he thought to himself. Before Raphael could think, Simon had broken the kiss and had pulled the older Vampire’s shirt off.

 

“You’re so beautiful Raph” He whispered, his voice deep with desire. He pushed their two bodies together and Raphael felt anxiety pooling in his stomach. Simon was back to kissing him, his hands running down his chest. After a few more minutes, Simon’s hands went to the elastic at Raphael’s shorts. Raphael huffed out an anxiety ridden breath, his body going still. Simon immediately pulled back. “Do you wanna stop?” He asked, his hands moving to Raphael’s face. Raphael nodded and closed his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Raphael muttered, tears forming at his eyes. He jumped back off the bed when the tears started to fall. “I can’t Simon. I don’t—”

 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” Simon replied, standing and joining Raphael on the other side of the room. “It’s okay Raph. This is your pace okay? I’m sorry, I promise it’s okay.” He pulled Raphael into a hug. Raphael took a few deep breaths and steadied himself. He knew he should tell Simon now, but his words failed him. He pulled Simon closer.

 

 +1

 

Raphael glanced at the flowers in his hand as he knocked on Simon’s door. He didn’t even know if people in this generation bought flowers. If men liked receiving flowers. He grumbled to himself and thought about returning to his room when the door opened, and he saw Simon staring at him. A smile spread to his face. “Hi Raph.” He said, giving him a quick kiss. “I missed you.”

 

“I missed you too and uh I got you these.” He shoved the bouquet at Simon. “They’re… I…. Can we talk?” Simon accepted the flowers and gestured for Raphael to come inside. Raphael took a seat on his couch as Simon found a vase and filled it with water.

 

“Beautiful.” He muttered under his breath as he plucked the roses inside. He walked over and sat next to Raphael. Raphael couldn’t help but smile.

 

“I hope that’s okay. I- that’s how we courted when I was growing up. I just… I didn’t know if that was okay for me to get uh” He chuckled nervously. “I didn’t know if it was okay for me to get them for a guy.”

 

“Raphael. I love them. Thank you.” Simon grabbed his hand and started rubbing small circles into his palm, a trick he learned that made Raphael relax. “What do you want to talk about?” Raphael sighed.

 

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you Simon, but I’ve been scared. So scared. I haven’t felt this way about someone in decades and I was scared you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. If you knew.” He dropped his gaze and looked at the ground. Simon squeezed his hand in reassurance. “Simon, I- I’m asexual. I hate it. Sex. I don’t think I could ever move farther than we have. I’m- I’m so sorry. If you don’t want to be with me anymore I understand, and I would never hold that against you. I—” Simon broke off his rambling by pulling Raphael into a hug.

 

“Raphael. Raph. I’m not going to leave you. Are you kidding? I care about you, all of you. I’m just sorry you were so scared to tell me.” Raphael felt tears swell at his eyes as pulled back slightly.

 

“I’m never going to be enough for you.” He whispered, tears falling from his eyes. Simon shook his head. He reached a hand to Raphael’s face, whipping the tears from his cheeks.

 

“Raphael you’re my boyfriend. I’m not giving up on you- on this. I… I love you Raphael.” At that Raphael smiled and leaned into Simon, kissing him softly on the lips.

 

“I love you too.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Raphael sweetie you deserve better I'm sorry. I love him so much guys okay? I headcannon Raphael as sex repulsed and bi-romantic. I'm asexual so I heavily based this on my feelings! I want to write more ace character stories so hopefully my writers block will calm down a bit. 
> 
> My Tumblr if anyone ever wants to talk or anything: 
> 
> http://space-violets.tumblr.com


End file.
